Dear Whoever You Are,

I meant to document my fall into insanity, but when you've lost your marbles, you don't exactly have the bearings to write it all down.

While I am still in the pit and trying to figure out how to get out, I do have some recollections and time to write it out.

So, whoever you are, have you ever been to the point where you just can't?

That was me. I've had two serious mental breakdowns in the past month and a half, and two semi-minor ones. Two (one big and one small) have rendered me unable to move, incapable of anything, really. The other two have filled me with a fury I find unfamiliar.

I've known for a while that I have been slipping. I've known for some time that I was going to a place that I may not come back from, and that I was teetering on the edge of something greatly terrifying.

So, about a month, month and a half ago, I had my first mental breakdown. The toddler was sick. Or teething. Or something. He'd been crying ALL the time for like a week. All day. Every day. 14 hours a day. Crying.

And then one day, he was crying at me. And I was trying to make him a drink or a sandwich or something in the kitchen. He was on the other side of the baby gate, hopping up and down, crying AT me. Still.

So I felt the hysteria welling up. And then I started crying. And then I started bawling, and then I started screaming. And then the next thing I knew, I was hiding in the laundry room with the door shut, curled into a ball, calling everyone I knew to get the kids, and no one answered. I didn't know what to do.

Finally, my mom came and got them. But that's not the point. The point is that long before, I knew this was going to happen. I knew I was unhappy, or overwhelmed, or.. or something, and I couldn't get help. Didn't have mental health insurance. Didn't have the money to go. Didn't have a way to get out of the house, out of my "role". Most people have jobs or hobbies or something they like to do out of the house, but I have been trapped.

I'm not sure if it was the trapping or what, but something - or maybe everything - was just too much.
I'll probably go over the rest later. Maybe.