Mental Process --> Deterioration Throughout the Day

Hope this helps someone. Depression/anxiety is a funny thing. Maybe my encounters with insanity and depression will help someone realize that it's just the little, everyday things that add up over time to push you over. Maybe they'll read and see "oh crap, that's me. Maybe I need to talk to someone or get some medicine before I become that crazy girl."

*~*~*~*~*
Today started out sucky, but I managed to make the most of it. I woke up to go to the bathroom sometime in the 4 O'clock hour and never fell back asleep. Husband's alarm went off somewhere around 5:45 so I had pretty much given up by then, but I still had hopes that I'd get to sleep between then and the time when I had to get up at 7 to get the oldest ready for school.

Unfortunately, the youngest woke up at 6:15 so I had to get up.

He was an emotional wreck, that cheered up slightly with his brother woke up. After the oldest went to school, the youngest was an on and off emotional wreck- lots of crying and tantrums when not getting what he wanted. Throw in the mix repeatedly spitting out his drink or spilling his Cheerios on the ground, and it was a great day to be a mom.

Weather was gloomy. Bright enough that I could open the curtains in the living room and not rely on artificial light, but gloomy enough to put me in a funk. Not to mention that my hands were ice cold and I could barely bend my fingers.

Found that the cat peed on the floor of the laundry room on my way to get the space heaters from the garage. The toddler was throwing a fit and also at risk of playing in the cat pee, so I brought him too. Juggling him and the three space heaters, I made it back inside with a clang. I was frustrated at this point, and remembered that I needed to take my anti anxiety medication, so I did.

Laundry, picking up, vacuuming. Oldest came home right before laying the toddler down for a nap. Crap. It's Wednesday. There goes the hour and a half I was planning to have to myself.

Let them play, lay the toddler down for a nap. Check oldest's grades online and see he has been doing poorly in music class again this year, a repeat from last year. Have to sit down with him and make him write an apology letter to the teacher, a frustrating event.

Toddler wakes up. He's emotional. I'm strung out. More tantrums. I lay my head down on my desk out of boredom and frustration. Husband comes home, changes the baby, sets him up with food, spends 5 minutes with me, then hops on the computer to play a game with his friends.

Find ants on the floor. More sweeping and vacuuming.

Big toddler sitting on his small older brother. Asking him to get off, louder and louder. Go in and remove toddler from brother. Few minutes later: repeated "ow ow ow" but no "stop". Finally lose it. Stomp in there and see toddler pulling brother's hair. Make him let go.

More crying. Can't take it, come back to my computer, put on headphones, turn up music. Start crying. Husband's game ends, and he turns on the TV for the kids, then resumes playing.

Things I've discovered make me feel better when I am down:
Sunbathing
Listening to music (good music)
Watching a show I enjoy (not likely to happen with the kids home and awake)
Going for a walk, which is not always ideal due to weather or situation/health of the kids
Hot coffee or tea

Things I've discovered that set me off:
crying
screaming
yelling
older child's inability to manage himself sometimes
younger child's constant hurting himself, then looking at me like I did it
Expecting to listen to good music and get garbage instead (screw Pandora radio)
When listening to good music, my speakers decide to take a crap for no apparent reason (bad sound quality)
clouds
messes
ants
meowing cats / barking dogs. New cat still won't freaking understand that howling gets him splashed with water. Slowest cat I've had so far.



things to note: bad items are all lower case. Don't care much for them even in text to use proper sentence structure, except in regards to music.

Dear Whoever You Are,

I meant to document my fall into insanity, but when you've lost your marbles, you don't exactly have the bearings to write it all down.

While I am still in the pit and trying to figure out how to get out, I do have some recollections and time to write it out.

So, whoever you are, have you ever been to the point where you just can't?

That was me. I've had two serious mental breakdowns in the past month and a half, and two semi-minor ones. Two (one big and one small) have rendered me unable to move, incapable of anything, really. The other two have filled me with a fury I find unfamiliar.

I've known for a while that I have been slipping. I've known for some time that I was going to a place that I may not come back from, and that I was teetering on the edge of something greatly terrifying.

So, about a month, month and a half ago, I had my first mental breakdown. The toddler was sick. Or teething. Or something. He'd been crying ALL the time for like a week. All day. Every day. 14 hours a day. Crying.

And then one day, he was crying at me. And I was trying to make him a drink or a sandwich or something in the kitchen. He was on the other side of the baby gate, hopping up and down, crying AT me. Still.

So I felt the hysteria welling up. And then I started crying. And then I started bawling, and then I started screaming. And then the next thing I knew, I was hiding in the laundry room with the door shut, curled into a ball, calling everyone I knew to get the kids, and no one answered. I didn't know what to do.

Finally, my mom came and got them. But that's not the point. The point is that long before, I knew this was going to happen. I knew I was unhappy, or overwhelmed, or.. or something, and I couldn't get help. Didn't have mental health insurance. Didn't have the money to go. Didn't have a way to get out of the house, out of my "role". Most people have jobs or hobbies or something they like to do out of the house, but I have been trapped.

I'm not sure if it was the trapping or what, but something - or maybe everything - was just too much.
I'll probably go over the rest later. Maybe.