Madness

I feel like I could very easily become an alcoholic. Like, I'm just a step away.

I had a mental breakdown last week. Full on curled in a corner, crying, covering my eyes and ears. I didn't realize being a mother would be so harm. Being a stay at home parent is probably the most difficult job anyone could ever have. I wanted to quit.

It got to me. Your toddler is sick, he cries. Your toddler is hungry, he cries. Your toddler is sleepy, he cries. Your day is filled with the sound of a child crying. Add that on top of trying to pick up, vacuum, do dishes and laundry, school work, and your actual job (that you do from home), your sanity slips - more and more with each passing day.

So I lost it. All of it. My mom came and got the kids. I laid down in bed. I went to the doctor and she told me to sleep more. I guess 2-3 hours of sleep every night isn't a good mix on top of all that either. So I am taking sleeping pills every night. I also have a prescription for anxiety, to use as needed. I've used it once so far. Not sure if it worked or not as the little one went to bed shortly after I popped it.

I've been wanting to drink. For a few nights there, I NEEDED a beer before bed, just to take the edge off. It's scary to me to need something like that, to depend on it.

I sought mental counseling too, but my options are limited as my insurance doesn't cover mental health. Both of the doctors I contacted are out of their office for the next two weeks. So we'll see then I guess. And in the meantime, hopefully I don't lose it again.