Hope this helps someone. Depression/anxiety is a funny thing. Maybe my
encounters with insanity and depression will help someone realize that
it's just the little, everyday things that add up over time to push you
over. Maybe they'll read and see "oh crap, that's me. Maybe I need to
talk to someone or get some medicine before I become that crazy girl."
*~*~*~*~*
Today started out sucky, but I managed to make the most of it. I woke up to go to the bathroom sometime in the 4 O'clock hour and never fell back asleep. Husband's alarm went off somewhere around 5:45 so I had pretty much given up by then, but I still had hopes that I'd get to sleep between then and the time when I had to get up at 7 to get the oldest ready for school.
Unfortunately, the youngest woke up at 6:15 so I had to get up.
He was an emotional wreck, that cheered up slightly with his brother woke up. After the oldest went to school, the youngest was an on and off emotional wreck- lots of crying and tantrums when not getting what he wanted. Throw in the mix repeatedly spitting out his drink or spilling his Cheerios on the ground, and it was a great day to be a mom.
Weather was gloomy. Bright enough that I could open the curtains in the living room and not rely on artificial light, but gloomy enough to put me in a funk. Not to mention that my hands were ice cold and I could barely bend my fingers.
Found that the cat peed on the floor of the laundry room on my way to get the space heaters from the garage. The toddler was throwing a fit and also at risk of playing in the cat pee, so I brought him too. Juggling him and the three space heaters, I made it back inside with a clang. I was frustrated at this point, and remembered that I needed to take my anti anxiety medication, so I did.
Laundry, picking up, vacuuming. Oldest came home right before laying the toddler down for a nap. Crap. It's Wednesday. There goes the hour and a half I was planning to have to myself.
Let them play, lay the toddler down for a nap. Check oldest's grades online and see he has been doing poorly in music class again this year, a repeat from last year. Have to sit down with him and make him write an apology letter to the teacher, a frustrating event.
Toddler wakes up. He's emotional. I'm strung out. More tantrums. I lay my head down on my desk out of boredom and frustration. Husband comes home, changes the baby, sets him up with food, spends 5 minutes with me, then hops on the computer to play a game with his friends.
Find ants on the floor. More sweeping and vacuuming.
Big toddler sitting on his small older brother. Asking him to get off, louder and louder. Go in and remove toddler from brother. Few minutes later: repeated "ow ow ow" but no "stop". Finally lose it. Stomp in there and see toddler pulling brother's hair. Make him let go.
More crying. Can't take it, come back to my computer, put on headphones, turn up music. Start crying. Husband's game ends, and he turns on the TV for the kids, then resumes playing.
Things I've discovered make me feel better when I am down:
Sunbathing
Listening to music (good music)
Watching a show I enjoy (not likely to happen with the kids home and awake)
Going for a walk, which is not always ideal due to weather or situation/health of the kids
Hot coffee or tea
Things I've discovered that set me off:
crying
screaming
yelling
older child's inability to manage himself sometimes
younger child's constant hurting himself, then looking at me like I did it
Expecting to listen to good music and get garbage instead (screw Pandora radio)
When listening to good music, my speakers decide to take a crap for no apparent reason (bad sound quality)
clouds
messes
ants
meowing cats / barking dogs. New cat still won't freaking understand that howling gets him splashed with water. Slowest cat I've had so far.
things to note: bad items are all lower case. Don't care much for them even in text to use proper sentence structure, except in regards to music.
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