Girl to Woman

A question occurred to me the other day while I was writing the brief description of this blog ("The blog of a modern woman who may (or may not) have lost herself along the way"): When did I start addressing myself as a woman? It was only recently (within the last year or so) that I've changed from addressing myself as "girl" to "woman." Like.. "I'm a WOMAN from Southern Oregon".. those kinds of things.

I'm 26 years old now. Shouldn't that change have come a lot sooner? When does one go from girl to woman? Is it "Bam! I'm 18 so I'm a woman"? Or "Yay! I'm 21 so I'm a woman"? Is it "hey, I'm married now, so I'm a woman"?, "I have a child/children now, so I'm no longer a girl" Or "I'm sick of this partying shit now, so I'm a woman".

For me, I guess it's probably one of the latter three. I've been feeling in the last year or so that "I'm too old for this shit." I've noticed that at parties, I'm always tired by 10 and in bed my midnight.  I've noticed that my children seem to suck my very life's essence from my bones. I've noticed that when my husband's in a bad mood, mine also goes out the window. Do I associate lack of energy and excitement with being a woman? Is that what my life is really turning into?

I'm not really sure. But either way, I'm a woman who, for the first time, attended/hosted a party and really just did not want to be there. I'm not sure if it's me, or the way that my friends view me now that I'm a "woman", but things seemed different. Something that I've done for going on 10 years now and has been hilarious, light-hearted joke, suddenly warrants me a very hard hit on the head and a forceful "bitch!". Or that I request a BYOB and suddenly my party guests aren't so sure if they have plans that night or not.

Either way, I realized last night that my priorities have changed - a LOT. I feel like maybe I'm holding on to the friends that I have simply because I am afraid that if those friendships fade, I will have no one else. And sadly, it's true. All my friends have either moved away (and thus friendships have faded), gotten girlfriends and stopped associating with me, or just plain chose different paths than me. I feel like if I let my last couple friends go, then I'll lose a piece of me, but if I try to hold on, I'll lose a different one.

So which piece of me do I want to let go? The one that feels awkward and taken advantage of, or the one that feels so desperately alone?